How many?

I've been thinking again lately about how many of "us" there are. "Us" being wives of men with pornography addictions. I sometimes feel so isolated with the problem. It's not like someone asks how you are and you launch into a detailed account of how your husband's issues are going. There is so much shame involved with the problem, and not just for our husbands. I feel ashamed. Partially because I feel it reflects poorly on me because I choose to stay in a relationship with someone who is cheating on me. Partially because it makes me feel like people would judge me, that I was not good enough in some way and that is why my husband has a problem. I realize this is totally ridiculous.

Back to my point. When I was dating my husband I ended up telling 7 people plus my mom and dad about my then boyfriend's problem. (When I just counted that made me feel really loved, that I trusted 7 people enough to tell them, and that I knew I could count on them.) Each of the 5 women I told shared with me a story about someone close to them they knew with the same problem, whether a brother, father, spouse or whoever, they all had someone. And the 2 men? One struggled with the problem himself, and the other with addictions in general. Even my father told me about his struggles with the same addiction growing up.

But almost none of us talk about it openly. On the one hand, it's not really everyone's business. It's not fair to my husband to just tell everyone without being somewhat selective. My husband has on several occasions told me it is my right to tell whoever I need to, but I just don't feel like everyone needs to know. On the other hand, it just plain sucks having no one to talk to. Out of the 7 people I originally told, one knows that the addiction is still more or less a huge problem. The others may wonder, but I suppose that's not really something you ask: "hey, how is your husband's pornography addiction going?" "oh, thank you for asking!" Haha. And plus, I hold to the general rule of not talking crap about your spouse to anyone. An occasional complaint here and there, sure. But I really dislike people who really dish a lot of dirt on their spouse. I realize this is different though. I have no desire to rip on my husband, only to process my own junk and heal.

So there it is, I'm lonely in my problems. I have asked my stake about a women's group, something that I would even be interested in developing an outline for and running, and was told that "a class would be starting soon" but that only one other lady in the stake had asked for something. That was probably 5 months ago. And no class, no group, nothing. I realize it's not anyone's job to make a class just because I ask for one, but it's frustrating the lack of support I feel when I actually make a great effort to ask for help.

I know there are others out there like me. Based on my tiny sample size of 7 friends, ALL of them had someone close to them if not themselves that were/are affected. But I wonder how many of "us" are too scared to ask for help, to embarrassed like I often am, or whatever that stops us from getting together. I love that I can find some of the rest of us online, but what I would love even more is to sit in a room with others who know what it is like and just talk.

Anyway. That was a long ramble. But I think I may go talk to my bishop and ask again about a class/discussion group whatever. I have always thought about starting my own, but how do you advertise for that without implicating my husband? Me in relief society: "Hey everyone, I'm starting a group for wives of porn addicts... Raise your hand if you want to come!" Haha.

Pulling Away

Things are going good. At least, I have been told they are, and I believe it. What's up with me then? If things are going the right direction, then shouldn't I be more loving towards my husband and happier? Don't get me wrong, it's not the happiness factor I am concerned with, rather my own noticing of the distance I seem to be putting between myself and my husband emotionally. Perhaps it's because I am scared of getting hurt again. That I'm tired of being vulnerable and feeling like a fool again. That I'm tired of broken promises and feeling so sad. Whatever the reason, it's not good.

As I have probably said before, a while back I assumed that once my husband's problem was fixed, mine would be too. If only it worked like that! Of course, I suppose I do appreciate that during bad times I can still have peace, but for the moment I feel out of balance and wish that my happiness was directly tied to his "being good". At least for the times he was "being good".

I recognize this is a me problem. But that's what this blog is for. To help me figure out how to deal with all of the problems that had some beginning in my husband's problem.

Anyway, I think by writing this down it helps me get some perspective. It helps me admit that I am the one being distant, and to acknowledge that I can change that. It helps me remember that I am committed to my husband, our marriage, and my family, and that that sometimes means working a lot harder (emotionally even) than I want.

Forgiveness & Freedom

I came across this quote the other day:

"Other people will say 'I forgive you' but what they really mean is, 'I don't want to talk about this. I can't deal with this. I'm turning you off.' And so the 3 magic words come out and form a wall that shuts out their spouse. True, they're not angry, but that's because they've shut down all emotion and refuse to reconnect."

Ugh, how often do I do this? So unhealthy, but it seems so much easier than dealing with the pain and work of forgiving. Seems being the key word, since it is always harmful in the long run (and short term too).

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Changing topics, I want to be free. I want to be free from feeling chained to my husband's addiction. Of course I want him to stop, but that's not really in my control. And I'm tired of feeling like I can feel good if things have been good, and feeling bad when things have been going bad. And now, as I put pieces of the last deceptions together, it seems that I'm always being lied to and things are never going good. I am of course being overly dramatic (it's my way!) and that's not true, but I also don't want to sit around thinking about "did it happen today or not?" because even when I ask, it seems that I'm not always given the truth and then when I eventually find out the truth (I always seem to eventually...) it sucks that much more. So part of me wants to find this freedom by just assuming it's happening and living life as if it is. Or rather living life knowing that it is likely going on secretly and make my decisions in spite of that, instead of being afraid, or distrustful, etc. Of course, that is then inherently distrustful, but I am kind of at a point where I wonder if that is better for my sanity. Anyway, this is kind of rambly, but the bottom line is that I want to not be held back because of something that is A. not my fault B. not something I am doing wrong. I realize that being married to my husband and choosing to stay with him automatically makes me effected by his behaviors/decisions but I don't want to be a slave to that. So, that's enough ramblings for now.

Mind Rut

My mind seems to keep playing a continuous loop of the things I found the other day. It's not like there was anything I didn't know, it just makes it more real. I suppose I should take the opportunity to work hard at forgiving, but I am immature and don't want to.

I wonder how long I will continue to have to deal with this dual life of sorts. Ugh, I hate it.

Blocking It Out

I recently gave birth to our second child. A few days before having her, I felt prompted to ask my husband if he was "being good". I struggled with this feeling for a while, on the one hand feeling like I didn't want to know right before having the baby, and the other hand feeling like I needed to know before having the baby. I needed my husband to be there for me (emotionally as well as physically) while having the baby, and I was scared of what I may find out and how that would effect me/us. I prayed that I would ask him in the right way, that I wouldn't offend him, that I would be able to know the truth.

And so I asked. And he confessed. Once a week or so for the past month. Ugh. And he was so relieved that I asked him. And I felt it so easy to forgive him. And we cried and it felt good to know (ok, it sucked, but better than wondering eternally) and we could move on.

Or so I thought. The birth was great. My husband felt like a burden had been lifted, he was able to be there for me in the way that I needed him. I didn't think much about what it all meant.

Yesterday I got on his computer because mine is on it's last leg and turns off whenever it pleases. I went to sign into my hotmail account and up pops what I assume is the last person that has signed in. And I don't recognize the email. And then I remember about the secret email accounts. And then I google the user name. And I am not happy with what I find (and instantly sorry I did so). I ask my husband about it. He says that it is one of the accounts, but that he has not used it in a long time. I cry and tell him how can I know if that's the truth?

And then I cry. And cry. And cry. And can't seem to get ahold of myself. But eventually I do. And then I search the user name again. And then I find horrible things that he has written on the internet under this name. And I am angry. How is this my husband? How is this the man that I love and that is in the other room playing so sweetly with my child? How can they possibly be the same? And again I am sorry that I went looking. For many reasons, mainly that there is nothing that I find that is new/helpful/happy. It all just depresses me.

Eventually I come back into the room with my husband. He asks if I want to talk. We do. I should point out that all the stuff I found was old, stuff that had been confessed, just not in explicit detail like I managed to find. I should also point out that there was NO value in reading any of it. My husband's general confession was much better for my mental health than what I did. Because now it's stuck in my head, and makes it harder for me to move on, which is what I need to do for myself.

Anyway, we talk. And I come to realize I have stuffed the past confession under the surface to survive. That I haven't dealt with it at all. It's easy to forgive when you just pretend like it didn't happen. But that's not really forgiving. And obviously it wasn't forgotten. So here I am again. Still. It's frustrating, but I know that I need to work through it. Because I do love my husband. I do believe he can change, even if it's not as fast as I would like, or in the ways that I would do it. It's not up to me. I just have to remember the few beautiful times that the Lord has told me that it will work out. And cling to that. Because sometimes that's all I've got.

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P.S. If you leave comments please don't be sad that it takes me FOREVER to publish them. I just hardly ever remember to check the email they get sent to. And also know that I appreciate them so much!

When???

Will I ever stop worrying?
Will I ever let go of the big ball of anger and fear inside?
Will I ever trust my husband fully again?
Will I ever go at least a day without worrying?

It seems like these things should get better in time, right? And sometimes I feel like they are getting better. And other times, not so much. On the one hand I say: I have been lied to enough to 'deserve' to feel this way. On the other: Since I do believe it will someday cease to be a problem (at least one that is being acted upon, I think it quite possibly could always be a temptation for my husband) I should at some point feel better and repair much of what was damaged.

I get frustrated with myself, because I find I'm lazy and don't like to do the mental processing it takes to heal. It's hard work, but when I think about the amount of time things have been going well, I owe it to myself and my husband to do it. There is no sense in punishing him (in my own mind if nothing else) if he isn't doing anything wrong. I understand there is the build up of all the other times/the past, but at some point, I've got to let it all go.

Upon writing this, the thought comes to me that the only real way to do this is through God. And for whatever reason, it is so hard to me to let Him take things for me. Perhaps it's because my relationship with Him is not where it should be. I pray, I read my scriptures, I go to church, but my actual relationship is really lacking. It's easy to do 'things' and not so easy to have a sincere relationship. So I guess I just answered my own question.

Nervous

It's been a while now. I mean, a while for us. And I am happy about that. But I also find that I am nervous. I say it "if/when" something happens again. I like to say "if" because I don't like assuming that it will always happen again, but I find that puts a lot of pressure on my husband, making it harder not to lie if something happens. But "when" implies it must/will happen again, which I believe that at some point, it won't. I haven't lost the hope (or rather, have regained the hope) that one day we will all be free of this. Unfortunately no one has presented me with the timeline of exactly when this will magically occur.

So, I'm happy. It's been a while. Sometimes I have to remind myself that one week is better than no weeks, and one month is better than a week, and so on. I hold on to the hope that someday I may not have to worry about this much at all. I know this will always be a temptation for my husband. I just hope that he gains the long-term control we all want. Oh, and if he could do it on the sooner side... :)