Things are going good. At least, I have been told they are, and I believe it. What's up with me then? If things are going the right direction, then shouldn't I be more loving towards my husband and happier? Don't get me wrong, it's not the happiness factor I am concerned with, rather my own noticing of the distance I seem to be putting between myself and my husband emotionally. Perhaps it's because I am scared of getting hurt again. That I'm tired of being vulnerable and feeling like a fool again. That I'm tired of broken promises and feeling so sad. Whatever the reason, it's not good.
As I have probably said before, a while back I assumed that once my husband's problem was fixed, mine would be too. If only it worked like that! Of course, I suppose I do appreciate that during bad times I can still have peace, but for the moment I feel out of balance and wish that my happiness was directly tied to his "being good". At least for the times he was "being good".
I recognize this is a me problem. But that's what this blog is for. To help me figure out how to deal with all of the problems that had some beginning in my husband's problem.
Anyway, I think by writing this down it helps me get some perspective. It helps me admit that I am the one being distant, and to acknowledge that I can change that. It helps me remember that I am committed to my husband, our marriage, and my family, and that that sometimes means working a lot harder (emotionally even) than I want.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
Forgiveness & Freedom
I came across this quote the other day:
"Other people will say 'I forgive you' but what they really mean is, 'I don't want to talk about this. I can't deal with this. I'm turning you off.' And so the 3 magic words come out and form a wall that shuts out their spouse. True, they're not angry, but that's because they've shut down all emotion and refuse to reconnect."
Ugh, how often do I do this? So unhealthy, but it seems so much easier than dealing with the pain and work of forgiving. Seems being the key word, since it is always harmful in the long run (and short term too).
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Changing topics, I want to be free. I want to be free from feeling chained to my husband's addiction. Of course I want him to stop, but that's not really in my control. And I'm tired of feeling like I can feel good if things have been good, and feeling bad when things have been going bad. And now, as I put pieces of the last deceptions together, it seems that I'm always being lied to and things are never going good. I am of course being overly dramatic (it's my way!) and that's not true, but I also don't want to sit around thinking about "did it happen today or not?" because even when I ask, it seems that I'm not always given the truth and then when I eventually find out the truth (I always seem to eventually...) it sucks that much more. So part of me wants to find this freedom by just assuming it's happening and living life as if it is. Or rather living life knowing that it is likely going on secretly and make my decisions in spite of that, instead of being afraid, or distrustful, etc. Of course, that is then inherently distrustful, but I am kind of at a point where I wonder if that is better for my sanity. Anyway, this is kind of rambly, but the bottom line is that I want to not be held back because of something that is A. not my fault B. not something I am doing wrong. I realize that being married to my husband and choosing to stay with him automatically makes me effected by his behaviors/decisions but I don't want to be a slave to that. So, that's enough ramblings for now.
"Other people will say 'I forgive you' but what they really mean is, 'I don't want to talk about this. I can't deal with this. I'm turning you off.' And so the 3 magic words come out and form a wall that shuts out their spouse. True, they're not angry, but that's because they've shut down all emotion and refuse to reconnect."
Ugh, how often do I do this? So unhealthy, but it seems so much easier than dealing with the pain and work of forgiving. Seems being the key word, since it is always harmful in the long run (and short term too).
_______________________________________________
Changing topics, I want to be free. I want to be free from feeling chained to my husband's addiction. Of course I want him to stop, but that's not really in my control. And I'm tired of feeling like I can feel good if things have been good, and feeling bad when things have been going bad. And now, as I put pieces of the last deceptions together, it seems that I'm always being lied to and things are never going good. I am of course being overly dramatic (it's my way!) and that's not true, but I also don't want to sit around thinking about "did it happen today or not?" because even when I ask, it seems that I'm not always given the truth and then when I eventually find out the truth (I always seem to eventually...) it sucks that much more. So part of me wants to find this freedom by just assuming it's happening and living life as if it is. Or rather living life knowing that it is likely going on secretly and make my decisions in spite of that, instead of being afraid, or distrustful, etc. Of course, that is then inherently distrustful, but I am kind of at a point where I wonder if that is better for my sanity. Anyway, this is kind of rambly, but the bottom line is that I want to not be held back because of something that is A. not my fault B. not something I am doing wrong. I realize that being married to my husband and choosing to stay with him automatically makes me effected by his behaviors/decisions but I don't want to be a slave to that. So, that's enough ramblings for now.
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