Will I ever stop worrying?
Will I ever let go of the big ball of anger and fear inside?
Will I ever trust my husband fully again?
Will I ever go at least a day without worrying?
It seems like these things should get better in time, right? And sometimes I feel like they are getting better. And other times, not so much. On the one hand I say: I have been lied to enough to 'deserve' to feel this way. On the other: Since I do believe it will someday cease to be a problem (at least one that is being acted upon, I think it quite possibly could always be a temptation for my husband) I should at some point feel better and repair much of what was damaged.
I get frustrated with myself, because I find I'm lazy and don't like to do the mental processing it takes to heal. It's hard work, but when I think about the amount of time things have been going well, I owe it to myself and my husband to do it. There is no sense in punishing him (in my own mind if nothing else) if he isn't doing anything wrong. I understand there is the build up of all the other times/the past, but at some point, I've got to let it all go.
Upon writing this, the thought comes to me that the only real way to do this is through God. And for whatever reason, it is so hard to me to let Him take things for me. Perhaps it's because my relationship with Him is not where it should be. I pray, I read my scriptures, I go to church, but my actual relationship is really lacking. It's easy to do 'things' and not so easy to have a sincere relationship. So I guess I just answered my own question.
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I feel the same frustrations. I wonder why I just can’t “get over it”…but we are human and we do not have the ability to erase our memories. That is why pornography is so horrible…you can’t erase it. So it is now our curse to carry fear?...Because we can’t erase our memories of betrayal? I really don’t know…I am a few years into this…and I often wonder “When” too.
ReplyDeleteI know I’ve said this before but you are amazing…thank you for your blog!
Summer
I can relate to everything you are saying. Sometimes I wonder what the timing of my healing will be like. I keep thinking "it's almost a year--I should be feeling better." Like you said, some days I do feel better. And some days the pain is as deep and real as day one. I wish I trusted my husband.
ReplyDeleteI think you found some good answers through writing. I can relate to those too. I really need to strengthen my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I know the Lord can heal me and succor me if I will surrender my pain to him, but sometimes I am just so stubborn.