Maybe If I Don't Think About It...

I find that although this blog is very helpful to my own healing, I tend to forget about it. Somehow it seems that if I just ignore it (the blog, the problem, etc) it isn't real. Unfortunately that doesn't work long term, and it seems I have gotten lazy in my own attempts at healing.

Recently my cousin was at my house and somehow she and I got on the topic of pornography addiction and she went on to list many people that we both knew that were struggling with the problem. I have to say that it both helped me and hurt me. At first it made me feel better. It made me remember that I am not alone in my experience and that several AMAZING wives that I know are going through the exact same thing, and some of them for a really long time. It explained a lot of behavior that sometimes seems strange, but now seemed to fit in the context. It also made me think about how highly I thought of their husbands, what good people they are despite their problems. It gave me compassion for my own husband. But then I was sad, thinking about how widespread of a problem it is. Overall the conversation was good for me, I felt very blessed to have someone to talk about it with in person that understood.

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Several (or more?) weeks ago I in passing asked my husband how things were going. As far as I knew (had been told) it has been almost two months. He said "since the last time I told you" and I asked if he meant almost two months ago. He then told me it had been like a month, that he thought he had told me, and that he was sorry. I of course was angry. I hated being lied to. Later in the evening he said "I feel like I'm in the doghouse..." Really, you lie and then you are surprised I am upset? Ugh. Then I start to feel bad, like I should forgive him, because he says he thought he told me. I want to believe him. The next evening we are fighting (I can pretty much assume without remembering that I picked a fight because I was upset from the day before) and around bedtime he tells me that he lied the day before, that it's been happening regularly again. I am livid. And sad. And I hit a new low. I had been feeling pretty depressed before anyway (perhaps on some level I knew already?) and this just sent me over the edge. I sat in the shower crying until the water was to cold to handle. Then I just laid in bed crying not being able to sleep. My husband was sleeping on the floor of the office because he wanted to give me some space. I think really he couldn't handle the mess I was. The only thing that gave me any hope at all was my two wonderful small children. I thought of them and their love for me and how much I loved them and knew that I had to snap out of it.

And now time has passed. And I don't know "how things are going". I just assume badly so I won't be hurt. I know that's not right, but it's where I'm at right now. It doesn't hurt too much right now because I just don't think about it. That's not true, I do think about it several times each day, but I do my best to not dwell on it, to distract myself in any way I can. Again, it's not the best, but it's where I'm at, getting by. I know I need to work on ME getting better whether or not HE does. For my own sake.