Things I am grateful for in all this

That my husband admits there is a problem.

The guidance of the spirit, helping all (or enough) things come to light so I don't have to live a lie.

Knowing that it can get better, and hoping that it will.

Learning to forgive, for real.

The small glimpses I sometimes get into how God loves us and how much potential we have.

Having the opportunity to examine my own shortcomings.

The start of it all

Sometimes I wonder what I would have done if I was blind sighted by all of this after being married.

Several months after my husband and I started dating I went to his house and while he was in the other room I used his computer. I wanted to go back to a page I had open before and went up to the address bar thinking it would be quickest. What I didn't expect to see was the sites that showed up before mine. I closed the browser and walked out, telling my then boyfriend that I was going home. He didn't say anything, didn't try to stop me. He knew.

I went home and cried. And cried. And threw things. And listened to angry music. And cried. I didn't understand at all, because he seemed to be such a good wonderful man. I was so sad it was over. And then I got down on my knees and told God how mad I was. And then God told me something strange. He told me to go back to my boyfriend's house. What?

I called my boyfriend and asked him if I could come back over to talk. He was so relieved I called him back, but yet I hadn't even heard his call or listened to his message. I went back and we sat on the floor in the hall and cried together. And then we prayed. And then he called the bishop. He told me then something I will never forget. He told me that even if we didn't end up together he would always love me for the gift I gave him that day. The gift of coming back.

We dated for almost two more years off and on. We went up and down, based on his success and my ability to deal with it all. He met with the bishop a lot, so did I, he went to counseling, and after a while managed a lengthy period of "recovery".

We eventually got married in the temple in 2007, which felt like an amazing victory to both of us.

We got married in June, and by August the pornography and masturbation had started again. I think he told me again around September. I was more than devastated, obviously. At the same time I was angry at myself, what had I done? I CHOSE to marry this man! I knew the risks! I felt I didn't have the same shock level as someone who hadn't known before getting married, but I don't know that it hurt any less. (Can you really compare people's emotional pain?)

That was about two years ago. Less than two months after getting married my husband was unfaithful to me. And the cycle continues. Sometimes he goes for a month or two, sometimes only a week or so. And that's where we're at now.

Dwelling on the past

Today is one of those days where I can't stop thinking about the past. All the times it's happened. All the times it's happened and I didn't know about it. What is there that I don't know? I have to work so hard to remind myself that I have to let it go. Not for my husband, but for me. Sure it's important to forgive him and move on, especially when he is sorry/asks for forgiveness. But the more I dwell on it, the crazier it makes me. And I've decided I want peace.

So, once again it's time to do the mental work of letting it go. I'm sure I'll have to do it again and again for a long time until I am free.

Helpful to remember...

I found this and it made me feel a little bit better. It's so easy to take everything SO personal. And hard but important to separate it.

"However insulted you may feel when you learn that your lover apparently prefers pictures of god-knows-what to YOU, remember that you are dealing with an addict. If your mate were an alcoholic and you served him/her a hand-squeezed lemonade made with tender loving care, and he/she sneaked a vodka instead, you would understand what was going on. The difference with porn is that it feels like competition.

Truth be told, your partner would prefer to find the images he/she is hooked on totally uninteresting. Unfortunately, the primitive part of his/her brain has temporarily been hijacked. Your compassion and correct nourishment can be a major factor in helping your mate regain control."

(found here, a good resource)

The beginning

I am a 27-year-old LDS woman, married 2 years, have one kid and another on the way.

And I have a husband with an addiction to pornography.

I often finding myself wishing for a better outlet to express my struggles, but can't ever seem to find one. My latest desire is to start a group for wives, but as time hasn't allowed for that yet, this is what I'm trying in the meantime.

I hope this blog helps someone, even if it's just me. If you are here and struggling, please know that you are not alone. There's others of us out there, and we understand.

What this blog is:

A moderately detailed account of the challenges I face as my husband struggles to beat his addiction to pornography and masturbation. I intend to be candid about my feelings, my relationship with God, my husband, and to hopefully keep track of our failures along with our successes.

What this blog is not:

A rant against my husband. Although it is horribly painful, frustrating, and often makes me angry (and I hope to be able to express those feelings freely!) I don't feel the need to punish him or say awful things about him. I just want healing for myself and our family.