My mind seems to keep playing a continuous loop of the things I found the other day. It's not like there was anything I didn't know, it just makes it more real. I suppose I should take the opportunity to work hard at forgiving, but I am immature and don't want to.
I wonder how long I will continue to have to deal with this dual life of sorts. Ugh, I hate it.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Blocking It Out
I recently gave birth to our second child. A few days before having her, I felt prompted to ask my husband if he was "being good". I struggled with this feeling for a while, on the one hand feeling like I didn't want to know right before having the baby, and the other hand feeling like I needed to know before having the baby. I needed my husband to be there for me (emotionally as well as physically) while having the baby, and I was scared of what I may find out and how that would effect me/us. I prayed that I would ask him in the right way, that I wouldn't offend him, that I would be able to know the truth.
And so I asked. And he confessed. Once a week or so for the past month. Ugh. And he was so relieved that I asked him. And I felt it so easy to forgive him. And we cried and it felt good to know (ok, it sucked, but better than wondering eternally) and we could move on.
Or so I thought. The birth was great. My husband felt like a burden had been lifted, he was able to be there for me in the way that I needed him. I didn't think much about what it all meant.
Yesterday I got on his computer because mine is on it's last leg and turns off whenever it pleases. I went to sign into my hotmail account and up pops what I assume is the last person that has signed in. And I don't recognize the email. And then I remember about the secret email accounts. And then I google the user name. And I am not happy with what I find (and instantly sorry I did so). I ask my husband about it. He says that it is one of the accounts, but that he has not used it in a long time. I cry and tell him how can I know if that's the truth?
And then I cry. And cry. And cry. And can't seem to get ahold of myself. But eventually I do. And then I search the user name again. And then I find horrible things that he has written on the internet under this name. And I am angry. How is this my husband? How is this the man that I love and that is in the other room playing so sweetly with my child? How can they possibly be the same? And again I am sorry that I went looking. For many reasons, mainly that there is nothing that I find that is new/helpful/happy. It all just depresses me.
Eventually I come back into the room with my husband. He asks if I want to talk. We do. I should point out that all the stuff I found was old, stuff that had been confessed, just not in explicit detail like I managed to find. I should also point out that there was NO value in reading any of it. My husband's general confession was much better for my mental health than what I did. Because now it's stuck in my head, and makes it harder for me to move on, which is what I need to do for myself.
Anyway, we talk. And I come to realize I have stuffed the past confession under the surface to survive. That I haven't dealt with it at all. It's easy to forgive when you just pretend like it didn't happen. But that's not really forgiving. And obviously it wasn't forgotten. So here I am again. Still. It's frustrating, but I know that I need to work through it. Because I do love my husband. I do believe he can change, even if it's not as fast as I would like, or in the ways that I would do it. It's not up to me. I just have to remember the few beautiful times that the Lord has told me that it will work out. And cling to that. Because sometimes that's all I've got.
________________________________________________
P.S. If you leave comments please don't be sad that it takes me FOREVER to publish them. I just hardly ever remember to check the email they get sent to. And also know that I appreciate them so much!
And so I asked. And he confessed. Once a week or so for the past month. Ugh. And he was so relieved that I asked him. And I felt it so easy to forgive him. And we cried and it felt good to know (ok, it sucked, but better than wondering eternally) and we could move on.
Or so I thought. The birth was great. My husband felt like a burden had been lifted, he was able to be there for me in the way that I needed him. I didn't think much about what it all meant.
Yesterday I got on his computer because mine is on it's last leg and turns off whenever it pleases. I went to sign into my hotmail account and up pops what I assume is the last person that has signed in. And I don't recognize the email. And then I remember about the secret email accounts. And then I google the user name. And I am not happy with what I find (and instantly sorry I did so). I ask my husband about it. He says that it is one of the accounts, but that he has not used it in a long time. I cry and tell him how can I know if that's the truth?
And then I cry. And cry. And cry. And can't seem to get ahold of myself. But eventually I do. And then I search the user name again. And then I find horrible things that he has written on the internet under this name. And I am angry. How is this my husband? How is this the man that I love and that is in the other room playing so sweetly with my child? How can they possibly be the same? And again I am sorry that I went looking. For many reasons, mainly that there is nothing that I find that is new/helpful/happy. It all just depresses me.
Eventually I come back into the room with my husband. He asks if I want to talk. We do. I should point out that all the stuff I found was old, stuff that had been confessed, just not in explicit detail like I managed to find. I should also point out that there was NO value in reading any of it. My husband's general confession was much better for my mental health than what I did. Because now it's stuck in my head, and makes it harder for me to move on, which is what I need to do for myself.
Anyway, we talk. And I come to realize I have stuffed the past confession under the surface to survive. That I haven't dealt with it at all. It's easy to forgive when you just pretend like it didn't happen. But that's not really forgiving. And obviously it wasn't forgotten. So here I am again. Still. It's frustrating, but I know that I need to work through it. Because I do love my husband. I do believe he can change, even if it's not as fast as I would like, or in the ways that I would do it. It's not up to me. I just have to remember the few beautiful times that the Lord has told me that it will work out. And cling to that. Because sometimes that's all I've got.
________________________________________________
P.S. If you leave comments please don't be sad that it takes me FOREVER to publish them. I just hardly ever remember to check the email they get sent to. And also know that I appreciate them so much!
Monday, December 7, 2009
When???
Will I ever stop worrying?
Will I ever let go of the big ball of anger and fear inside?
Will I ever trust my husband fully again?
Will I ever go at least a day without worrying?
It seems like these things should get better in time, right? And sometimes I feel like they are getting better. And other times, not so much. On the one hand I say: I have been lied to enough to 'deserve' to feel this way. On the other: Since I do believe it will someday cease to be a problem (at least one that is being acted upon, I think it quite possibly could always be a temptation for my husband) I should at some point feel better and repair much of what was damaged.
I get frustrated with myself, because I find I'm lazy and don't like to do the mental processing it takes to heal. It's hard work, but when I think about the amount of time things have been going well, I owe it to myself and my husband to do it. There is no sense in punishing him (in my own mind if nothing else) if he isn't doing anything wrong. I understand there is the build up of all the other times/the past, but at some point, I've got to let it all go.
Upon writing this, the thought comes to me that the only real way to do this is through God. And for whatever reason, it is so hard to me to let Him take things for me. Perhaps it's because my relationship with Him is not where it should be. I pray, I read my scriptures, I go to church, but my actual relationship is really lacking. It's easy to do 'things' and not so easy to have a sincere relationship. So I guess I just answered my own question.
Will I ever let go of the big ball of anger and fear inside?
Will I ever trust my husband fully again?
Will I ever go at least a day without worrying?
It seems like these things should get better in time, right? And sometimes I feel like they are getting better. And other times, not so much. On the one hand I say: I have been lied to enough to 'deserve' to feel this way. On the other: Since I do believe it will someday cease to be a problem (at least one that is being acted upon, I think it quite possibly could always be a temptation for my husband) I should at some point feel better and repair much of what was damaged.
I get frustrated with myself, because I find I'm lazy and don't like to do the mental processing it takes to heal. It's hard work, but when I think about the amount of time things have been going well, I owe it to myself and my husband to do it. There is no sense in punishing him (in my own mind if nothing else) if he isn't doing anything wrong. I understand there is the build up of all the other times/the past, but at some point, I've got to let it all go.
Upon writing this, the thought comes to me that the only real way to do this is through God. And for whatever reason, it is so hard to me to let Him take things for me. Perhaps it's because my relationship with Him is not where it should be. I pray, I read my scriptures, I go to church, but my actual relationship is really lacking. It's easy to do 'things' and not so easy to have a sincere relationship. So I guess I just answered my own question.
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