A few nights ago after reading He Heals the Heavy Laden by Elder Oaks for FHE, my husband was telling me about some of his recent slip-ups, and after he was done I was quiet. We sat in my stewing silence for a while, then my husband dropped a bomb:
"You need to stop being angry."
!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
First instinct: rage. How on earth could he even say that to me? After all he's done. And after my husband (quite lovingly) said a few more things about how even though I certainly have the right to be angry, he pointed out how my anger is doing nothing for me except harm. I stewed some more. I already knew that I needed to figure out a better way to deal than anger. I already knew that it was affecting how I treat my children. But it's easier than being sad. Or doing the work of getting through my problems instead of ignoring them.
But then he finally said:
"I am not the only one hurting our marriage."
Ugh. He was right and I knew it. It's so easy to pretend like I am entitled to whatever behaviors I please (angry, withdrawn, sad, tempermental, etc) whenever I please just because he has a problem. The truth is, I still have a responsibility to be nice, to be kind, to be loving, no matter what. I don't have to accept his problem, I don't have to put up with it, but I don't have the right to be a jerk just because I am feeling bad. And then, almost like magic, my layers began to fall. All of the work I have done to put up walls between me and my husband because his behaviors hurt me started to come down. Months and years of resentment began to melt. I feel like a huge burden has been lifted.
I know it's only been a couple of days, but I haven't had days like this in a long, long time. I haven't felt so free, so willing to let my anger just drift away, to let God take care of it instead. I am so grateful for my husband's boldness and however he was able to get to me to help me realize what I needed to hear. I truly hope this is a real turning point for me.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Just What I Was Thinking...
Thanks to LDS Woman for the link to the church's new website. http://combatingpornography.org/cp/eng/
I was reading through some articles and came across this, which is something I have been thinking a lot lately:
"dishonesty in a relationship can be as damaging as pornography"
(from this article)
Sometimes I feel like if I was just told the truth things would be a lot easier, or at least tolerable.
I feel like I had a really hard day yesterday. The end however was perhaps promising. I was casually mentioning to my husband that I was going to work through the 12 steps myself when he said that he thought he might try going back to the meetings - if I wanted him to. This was ridiculous because he already knows (or at least I have said MANY times) that I would prefer it, even if it "takes him away from our family" one evening a week. So last night I told him that he knew I wanted him to go, but that I'm not the boss of him. He says he will start this week. I won't hold my breath, but I will hope for the best.
I was reading through some articles and came across this, which is something I have been thinking a lot lately:
"dishonesty in a relationship can be as damaging as pornography"
(from this article)
Sometimes I feel like if I was just told the truth things would be a lot easier, or at least tolerable.
I feel like I had a really hard day yesterday. The end however was perhaps promising. I was casually mentioning to my husband that I was going to work through the 12 steps myself when he said that he thought he might try going back to the meetings - if I wanted him to. This was ridiculous because he already knows (or at least I have said MANY times) that I would prefer it, even if it "takes him away from our family" one evening a week. So last night I told him that he knew I wanted him to go, but that I'm not the boss of him. He says he will start this week. I won't hold my breath, but I will hope for the best.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Maybe If I Don't Think About It...
I find that although this blog is very helpful to my own healing, I tend to forget about it. Somehow it seems that if I just ignore it (the blog, the problem, etc) it isn't real. Unfortunately that doesn't work long term, and it seems I have gotten lazy in my own attempts at healing.
Recently my cousin was at my house and somehow she and I got on the topic of pornography addiction and she went on to list many people that we both knew that were struggling with the problem. I have to say that it both helped me and hurt me. At first it made me feel better. It made me remember that I am not alone in my experience and that several AMAZING wives that I know are going through the exact same thing, and some of them for a really long time. It explained a lot of behavior that sometimes seems strange, but now seemed to fit in the context. It also made me think about how highly I thought of their husbands, what good people they are despite their problems. It gave me compassion for my own husband. But then I was sad, thinking about how widespread of a problem it is. Overall the conversation was good for me, I felt very blessed to have someone to talk about it with in person that understood.
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Several (or more?) weeks ago I in passing asked my husband how things were going. As far as I knew (had been told) it has been almost two months. He said "since the last time I told you" and I asked if he meant almost two months ago. He then told me it had been like a month, that he thought he had told me, and that he was sorry. I of course was angry. I hated being lied to. Later in the evening he said "I feel like I'm in the doghouse..." Really, you lie and then you are surprised I am upset? Ugh. Then I start to feel bad, like I should forgive him, because he says he thought he told me. I want to believe him. The next evening we are fighting (I can pretty much assume without remembering that I picked a fight because I was upset from the day before) and around bedtime he tells me that he lied the day before, that it's been happening regularly again. I am livid. And sad. And I hit a new low. I had been feeling pretty depressed before anyway (perhaps on some level I knew already?) and this just sent me over the edge. I sat in the shower crying until the water was to cold to handle. Then I just laid in bed crying not being able to sleep. My husband was sleeping on the floor of the office because he wanted to give me some space. I think really he couldn't handle the mess I was. The only thing that gave me any hope at all was my two wonderful small children. I thought of them and their love for me and how much I loved them and knew that I had to snap out of it.
And now time has passed. And I don't know "how things are going". I just assume badly so I won't be hurt. I know that's not right, but it's where I'm at right now. It doesn't hurt too much right now because I just don't think about it. That's not true, I do think about it several times each day, but I do my best to not dwell on it, to distract myself in any way I can. Again, it's not the best, but it's where I'm at, getting by. I know I need to work on ME getting better whether or not HE does. For my own sake.
Recently my cousin was at my house and somehow she and I got on the topic of pornography addiction and she went on to list many people that we both knew that were struggling with the problem. I have to say that it both helped me and hurt me. At first it made me feel better. It made me remember that I am not alone in my experience and that several AMAZING wives that I know are going through the exact same thing, and some of them for a really long time. It explained a lot of behavior that sometimes seems strange, but now seemed to fit in the context. It also made me think about how highly I thought of their husbands, what good people they are despite their problems. It gave me compassion for my own husband. But then I was sad, thinking about how widespread of a problem it is. Overall the conversation was good for me, I felt very blessed to have someone to talk about it with in person that understood.
------------------------------------
Several (or more?) weeks ago I in passing asked my husband how things were going. As far as I knew (had been told) it has been almost two months. He said "since the last time I told you" and I asked if he meant almost two months ago. He then told me it had been like a month, that he thought he had told me, and that he was sorry. I of course was angry. I hated being lied to. Later in the evening he said "I feel like I'm in the doghouse..." Really, you lie and then you are surprised I am upset? Ugh. Then I start to feel bad, like I should forgive him, because he says he thought he told me. I want to believe him. The next evening we are fighting (I can pretty much assume without remembering that I picked a fight because I was upset from the day before) and around bedtime he tells me that he lied the day before, that it's been happening regularly again. I am livid. And sad. And I hit a new low. I had been feeling pretty depressed before anyway (perhaps on some level I knew already?) and this just sent me over the edge. I sat in the shower crying until the water was to cold to handle. Then I just laid in bed crying not being able to sleep. My husband was sleeping on the floor of the office because he wanted to give me some space. I think really he couldn't handle the mess I was. The only thing that gave me any hope at all was my two wonderful small children. I thought of them and their love for me and how much I loved them and knew that I had to snap out of it.
And now time has passed. And I don't know "how things are going". I just assume badly so I won't be hurt. I know that's not right, but it's where I'm at right now. It doesn't hurt too much right now because I just don't think about it. That's not true, I do think about it several times each day, but I do my best to not dwell on it, to distract myself in any way I can. Again, it's not the best, but it's where I'm at, getting by. I know I need to work on ME getting better whether or not HE does. For my own sake.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
How many?
I've been thinking again lately about how many of "us" there are. "Us" being wives of men with pornography addictions. I sometimes feel so isolated with the problem. It's not like someone asks how you are and you launch into a detailed account of how your husband's issues are going. There is so much shame involved with the problem, and not just for our husbands. I feel ashamed. Partially because I feel it reflects poorly on me because I choose to stay in a relationship with someone who is cheating on me. Partially because it makes me feel like people would judge me, that I was not good enough in some way and that is why my husband has a problem. I realize this is totally ridiculous.
Back to my point. When I was dating my husband I ended up telling 7 people plus my mom and dad about my then boyfriend's problem. (When I just counted that made me feel really loved, that I trusted 7 people enough to tell them, and that I knew I could count on them.) Each of the 5 women I told shared with me a story about someone close to them they knew with the same problem, whether a brother, father, spouse or whoever, they all had someone. And the 2 men? One struggled with the problem himself, and the other with addictions in general. Even my father told me about his struggles with the same addiction growing up.
But almost none of us talk about it openly. On the one hand, it's not really everyone's business. It's not fair to my husband to just tell everyone without being somewhat selective. My husband has on several occasions told me it is my right to tell whoever I need to, but I just don't feel like everyone needs to know. On the other hand, it just plain sucks having no one to talk to. Out of the 7 people I originally told, one knows that the addiction is still more or less a huge problem. The others may wonder, but I suppose that's not really something you ask: "hey, how is your husband's pornography addiction going?" "oh, thank you for asking!" Haha. And plus, I hold to the general rule of not talking crap about your spouse to anyone. An occasional complaint here and there, sure. But I really dislike people who really dish a lot of dirt on their spouse. I realize this is different though. I have no desire to rip on my husband, only to process my own junk and heal.
So there it is, I'm lonely in my problems. I have asked my stake about a women's group, something that I would even be interested in developing an outline for and running, and was told that "a class would be starting soon" but that only one other lady in the stake had asked for something. That was probably 5 months ago. And no class, no group, nothing. I realize it's not anyone's job to make a class just because I ask for one, but it's frustrating the lack of support I feel when I actually make a great effort to ask for help.
I know there are others out there like me. Based on my tiny sample size of 7 friends, ALL of them had someone close to them if not themselves that were/are affected. But I wonder how many of "us" are too scared to ask for help, to embarrassed like I often am, or whatever that stops us from getting together. I love that I can find some of the rest of us online, but what I would love even more is to sit in a room with others who know what it is like and just talk.
Anyway. That was a long ramble. But I think I may go talk to my bishop and ask again about a class/discussion group whatever. I have always thought about starting my own, but how do you advertise for that without implicating my husband? Me in relief society: "Hey everyone, I'm starting a group for wives of porn addicts... Raise your hand if you want to come!" Haha.
Back to my point. When I was dating my husband I ended up telling 7 people plus my mom and dad about my then boyfriend's problem. (When I just counted that made me feel really loved, that I trusted 7 people enough to tell them, and that I knew I could count on them.) Each of the 5 women I told shared with me a story about someone close to them they knew with the same problem, whether a brother, father, spouse or whoever, they all had someone. And the 2 men? One struggled with the problem himself, and the other with addictions in general. Even my father told me about his struggles with the same addiction growing up.
But almost none of us talk about it openly. On the one hand, it's not really everyone's business. It's not fair to my husband to just tell everyone without being somewhat selective. My husband has on several occasions told me it is my right to tell whoever I need to, but I just don't feel like everyone needs to know. On the other hand, it just plain sucks having no one to talk to. Out of the 7 people I originally told, one knows that the addiction is still more or less a huge problem. The others may wonder, but I suppose that's not really something you ask: "hey, how is your husband's pornography addiction going?" "oh, thank you for asking!" Haha. And plus, I hold to the general rule of not talking crap about your spouse to anyone. An occasional complaint here and there, sure. But I really dislike people who really dish a lot of dirt on their spouse. I realize this is different though. I have no desire to rip on my husband, only to process my own junk and heal.
So there it is, I'm lonely in my problems. I have asked my stake about a women's group, something that I would even be interested in developing an outline for and running, and was told that "a class would be starting soon" but that only one other lady in the stake had asked for something. That was probably 5 months ago. And no class, no group, nothing. I realize it's not anyone's job to make a class just because I ask for one, but it's frustrating the lack of support I feel when I actually make a great effort to ask for help.
I know there are others out there like me. Based on my tiny sample size of 7 friends, ALL of them had someone close to them if not themselves that were/are affected. But I wonder how many of "us" are too scared to ask for help, to embarrassed like I often am, or whatever that stops us from getting together. I love that I can find some of the rest of us online, but what I would love even more is to sit in a room with others who know what it is like and just talk.
Anyway. That was a long ramble. But I think I may go talk to my bishop and ask again about a class/discussion group whatever. I have always thought about starting my own, but how do you advertise for that without implicating my husband? Me in relief society: "Hey everyone, I'm starting a group for wives of porn addicts... Raise your hand if you want to come!" Haha.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Pulling Away
Things are going good. At least, I have been told they are, and I believe it. What's up with me then? If things are going the right direction, then shouldn't I be more loving towards my husband and happier? Don't get me wrong, it's not the happiness factor I am concerned with, rather my own noticing of the distance I seem to be putting between myself and my husband emotionally. Perhaps it's because I am scared of getting hurt again. That I'm tired of being vulnerable and feeling like a fool again. That I'm tired of broken promises and feeling so sad. Whatever the reason, it's not good.
As I have probably said before, a while back I assumed that once my husband's problem was fixed, mine would be too. If only it worked like that! Of course, I suppose I do appreciate that during bad times I can still have peace, but for the moment I feel out of balance and wish that my happiness was directly tied to his "being good". At least for the times he was "being good".
I recognize this is a me problem. But that's what this blog is for. To help me figure out how to deal with all of the problems that had some beginning in my husband's problem.
Anyway, I think by writing this down it helps me get some perspective. It helps me admit that I am the one being distant, and to acknowledge that I can change that. It helps me remember that I am committed to my husband, our marriage, and my family, and that that sometimes means working a lot harder (emotionally even) than I want.
As I have probably said before, a while back I assumed that once my husband's problem was fixed, mine would be too. If only it worked like that! Of course, I suppose I do appreciate that during bad times I can still have peace, but for the moment I feel out of balance and wish that my happiness was directly tied to his "being good". At least for the times he was "being good".
I recognize this is a me problem. But that's what this blog is for. To help me figure out how to deal with all of the problems that had some beginning in my husband's problem.
Anyway, I think by writing this down it helps me get some perspective. It helps me admit that I am the one being distant, and to acknowledge that I can change that. It helps me remember that I am committed to my husband, our marriage, and my family, and that that sometimes means working a lot harder (emotionally even) than I want.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Forgiveness & Freedom
I came across this quote the other day:
"Other people will say 'I forgive you' but what they really mean is, 'I don't want to talk about this. I can't deal with this. I'm turning you off.' And so the 3 magic words come out and form a wall that shuts out their spouse. True, they're not angry, but that's because they've shut down all emotion and refuse to reconnect."
Ugh, how often do I do this? So unhealthy, but it seems so much easier than dealing with the pain and work of forgiving. Seems being the key word, since it is always harmful in the long run (and short term too).
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Changing topics, I want to be free. I want to be free from feeling chained to my husband's addiction. Of course I want him to stop, but that's not really in my control. And I'm tired of feeling like I can feel good if things have been good, and feeling bad when things have been going bad. And now, as I put pieces of the last deceptions together, it seems that I'm always being lied to and things are never going good. I am of course being overly dramatic (it's my way!) and that's not true, but I also don't want to sit around thinking about "did it happen today or not?" because even when I ask, it seems that I'm not always given the truth and then when I eventually find out the truth (I always seem to eventually...) it sucks that much more. So part of me wants to find this freedom by just assuming it's happening and living life as if it is. Or rather living life knowing that it is likely going on secretly and make my decisions in spite of that, instead of being afraid, or distrustful, etc. Of course, that is then inherently distrustful, but I am kind of at a point where I wonder if that is better for my sanity. Anyway, this is kind of rambly, but the bottom line is that I want to not be held back because of something that is A. not my fault B. not something I am doing wrong. I realize that being married to my husband and choosing to stay with him automatically makes me effected by his behaviors/decisions but I don't want to be a slave to that. So, that's enough ramblings for now.
"Other people will say 'I forgive you' but what they really mean is, 'I don't want to talk about this. I can't deal with this. I'm turning you off.' And so the 3 magic words come out and form a wall that shuts out their spouse. True, they're not angry, but that's because they've shut down all emotion and refuse to reconnect."
Ugh, how often do I do this? So unhealthy, but it seems so much easier than dealing with the pain and work of forgiving. Seems being the key word, since it is always harmful in the long run (and short term too).
_______________________________________________
Changing topics, I want to be free. I want to be free from feeling chained to my husband's addiction. Of course I want him to stop, but that's not really in my control. And I'm tired of feeling like I can feel good if things have been good, and feeling bad when things have been going bad. And now, as I put pieces of the last deceptions together, it seems that I'm always being lied to and things are never going good. I am of course being overly dramatic (it's my way!) and that's not true, but I also don't want to sit around thinking about "did it happen today or not?" because even when I ask, it seems that I'm not always given the truth and then when I eventually find out the truth (I always seem to eventually...) it sucks that much more. So part of me wants to find this freedom by just assuming it's happening and living life as if it is. Or rather living life knowing that it is likely going on secretly and make my decisions in spite of that, instead of being afraid, or distrustful, etc. Of course, that is then inherently distrustful, but I am kind of at a point where I wonder if that is better for my sanity. Anyway, this is kind of rambly, but the bottom line is that I want to not be held back because of something that is A. not my fault B. not something I am doing wrong. I realize that being married to my husband and choosing to stay with him automatically makes me effected by his behaviors/decisions but I don't want to be a slave to that. So, that's enough ramblings for now.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Mind Rut
My mind seems to keep playing a continuous loop of the things I found the other day. It's not like there was anything I didn't know, it just makes it more real. I suppose I should take the opportunity to work hard at forgiving, but I am immature and don't want to.
I wonder how long I will continue to have to deal with this dual life of sorts. Ugh, I hate it.
I wonder how long I will continue to have to deal with this dual life of sorts. Ugh, I hate it.
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