Pulling Away

Things are going good. At least, I have been told they are, and I believe it. What's up with me then? If things are going the right direction, then shouldn't I be more loving towards my husband and happier? Don't get me wrong, it's not the happiness factor I am concerned with, rather my own noticing of the distance I seem to be putting between myself and my husband emotionally. Perhaps it's because I am scared of getting hurt again. That I'm tired of being vulnerable and feeling like a fool again. That I'm tired of broken promises and feeling so sad. Whatever the reason, it's not good.

As I have probably said before, a while back I assumed that once my husband's problem was fixed, mine would be too. If only it worked like that! Of course, I suppose I do appreciate that during bad times I can still have peace, but for the moment I feel out of balance and wish that my happiness was directly tied to his "being good". At least for the times he was "being good".

I recognize this is a me problem. But that's what this blog is for. To help me figure out how to deal with all of the problems that had some beginning in my husband's problem.

Anyway, I think by writing this down it helps me get some perspective. It helps me admit that I am the one being distant, and to acknowledge that I can change that. It helps me remember that I am committed to my husband, our marriage, and my family, and that that sometimes means working a lot harder (emotionally even) than I want.