How many?

I've been thinking again lately about how many of "us" there are. "Us" being wives of men with pornography addictions. I sometimes feel so isolated with the problem. It's not like someone asks how you are and you launch into a detailed account of how your husband's issues are going. There is so much shame involved with the problem, and not just for our husbands. I feel ashamed. Partially because I feel it reflects poorly on me because I choose to stay in a relationship with someone who is cheating on me. Partially because it makes me feel like people would judge me, that I was not good enough in some way and that is why my husband has a problem. I realize this is totally ridiculous.

Back to my point. When I was dating my husband I ended up telling 7 people plus my mom and dad about my then boyfriend's problem. (When I just counted that made me feel really loved, that I trusted 7 people enough to tell them, and that I knew I could count on them.) Each of the 5 women I told shared with me a story about someone close to them they knew with the same problem, whether a brother, father, spouse or whoever, they all had someone. And the 2 men? One struggled with the problem himself, and the other with addictions in general. Even my father told me about his struggles with the same addiction growing up.

But almost none of us talk about it openly. On the one hand, it's not really everyone's business. It's not fair to my husband to just tell everyone without being somewhat selective. My husband has on several occasions told me it is my right to tell whoever I need to, but I just don't feel like everyone needs to know. On the other hand, it just plain sucks having no one to talk to. Out of the 7 people I originally told, one knows that the addiction is still more or less a huge problem. The others may wonder, but I suppose that's not really something you ask: "hey, how is your husband's pornography addiction going?" "oh, thank you for asking!" Haha. And plus, I hold to the general rule of not talking crap about your spouse to anyone. An occasional complaint here and there, sure. But I really dislike people who really dish a lot of dirt on their spouse. I realize this is different though. I have no desire to rip on my husband, only to process my own junk and heal.

So there it is, I'm lonely in my problems. I have asked my stake about a women's group, something that I would even be interested in developing an outline for and running, and was told that "a class would be starting soon" but that only one other lady in the stake had asked for something. That was probably 5 months ago. And no class, no group, nothing. I realize it's not anyone's job to make a class just because I ask for one, but it's frustrating the lack of support I feel when I actually make a great effort to ask for help.

I know there are others out there like me. Based on my tiny sample size of 7 friends, ALL of them had someone close to them if not themselves that were/are affected. But I wonder how many of "us" are too scared to ask for help, to embarrassed like I often am, or whatever that stops us from getting together. I love that I can find some of the rest of us online, but what I would love even more is to sit in a room with others who know what it is like and just talk.

Anyway. That was a long ramble. But I think I may go talk to my bishop and ask again about a class/discussion group whatever. I have always thought about starting my own, but how do you advertise for that without implicating my husband? Me in relief society: "Hey everyone, I'm starting a group for wives of porn addicts... Raise your hand if you want to come!" Haha.