Another Low?!

It's been a bit since I've posted, but life seems to get in the way sometimes. About three or so weeks ago we hit a new low. We use a monitoring program called Covenant Eyes which sends an "accountability report" to a partner about what websites have been visited by an individual. We've used it for years now, and it has been somewhat helpful. My husband says that it often stops him from doing things he doesn't want to do, for fear of being caught, but he has also been open about the fact that he knows how to get around it using some tricks that take a bit of time to employ. So every couple of days I get a report telling me all the websites he's been to, but mostly highlighting the high scoring sites that are likely to be "inappropriate". So about three weeks ago I was reviewing a report, and normally there are a couple of false positives, but I find I always have to check them to make sure. I clicked on one, not expecting to find anything awful, but instead it opened up to a page that I surely did NOT want to see. Closing it quickly I didn't even know what to do. I was SO mad, because it was from the day before, a day my husband had told me he was "good".

He was in the bathroom at the time, and I didn't want to even talk to him, so I wrote him a note that simply said "you told me you didn't." After he came out he said he was sorry, but I didn't want to talk at all. Several minutes went by, I fed the baby, and eventually we talked a bit. Somehow I managed to ask him some questions which led him to confess something else he had done that I hadn't even considered a real threat. It was above and beyond things he had already done, and I felt a new level of safety had been shattered. How stupid of me to think that a natural progression of this problem wasn't a possibility...

He was working from home that day, and after some time away from him I decided I had some demands. I have found in the past that demands do not work, but for whatever reason I felt like it was the right thing to do. I told him that I wanted him to see the bishop, and that I wanted some form of counseling. His entire attitude that morning was different. And he gladly consented to both of those. He has now been meeting with the bishop a bit, which gives me peace of mind to know that I can go see the bishop when I need to without having to "tattle".

We weren't sure what kind of counseling to do, and although the bishop gave him a referral to LDS Family Services I have found an online program that we started in the meantime. It is Recovery Nation and we have been doing it twice a week for about an hour each time, depending on the length of the lesson. So far it seems to be a good resource, with the exception of the point that is repeated or implied over and over... that you don't need a "Higher Power". Both my husband and I agree that any sort of recovery is NOT possible without God's help, and most especially the Atonement. We are doing the couple's healing workshop, but I like that it offers the option to do it individually instead/as well. Meaning a wife could do the partner's workshop if her husband was not interested in participating. Or someone trying to recover could do it without their wife. That is what initially drew me to the program in fact, that it was something I could do to promote my own healing, no matter what my husband was willing to do.

I have been surprised that some of the activities have been very difficult for me. Hard to examine my own shortcomings and change my communication styles in a healthy way. Which is funny when you put all of the blame on "my husband's problem" when really there is A LOT more going on than just that. And some of the activities are really sweet. Right now we are doing one where we have to hide little notes for each other and it is a really good intimacy builder. Something we used to do while dating, but after being married for a bit, having a child, and etc. etc. it just falls by the wayside. It's a good reminder to keep the love alive.

I feel like I have been amazingly not emotionally effected by the "new low". I wonder if it is because I haven't processed it, or that I have come to a new level of maturity and understanding. Don't get me wrong, it hurt, and shook my foundation, but I also feel like I am able to take a step back and see it for what it is, a natural progression of an existing problem. It's not like he set out to hurt me worse, or to break my trust even more. It's partially a problem of being in an altered mind state and not thinking clearly. I'm not excusing it on any level, but when I am able to step back and see WHY things progress the way they do (meaning my husband chooses to not get away from a dangerous situation because of years of never doing so) I can realize that it is NOT about me.

Anyway, I feel like we have made progress over the last 3 weeks. I feel fearful in thinking "this could be it" but I also do believe that someday it WILL be it. That someday we as a couple and family will be free of this. I do believe it will always be there, that it will always be a temptation for my husband, but I also believe he will be able to overcome it and make the choices to be fully in control of himself.