A few nights ago after reading He Heals the Heavy Laden by Elder Oaks for FHE, my husband was telling me about some of his recent slip-ups, and after he was done I was quiet. We sat in my stewing silence for a while, then my husband dropped a bomb:
"You need to stop being angry."
!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
First instinct: rage. How on earth could he even say that to me? After all he's done. And after my husband (quite lovingly) said a few more things about how even though I certainly have the right to be angry, he pointed out how my anger is doing nothing for me except harm. I stewed some more. I already knew that I needed to figure out a better way to deal than anger. I already knew that it was affecting how I treat my children. But it's easier than being sad. Or doing the work of getting through my problems instead of ignoring them.
But then he finally said:
"I am not the only one hurting our marriage."
Ugh. He was right and I knew it. It's so easy to pretend like I am entitled to whatever behaviors I please (angry, withdrawn, sad, tempermental, etc) whenever I please just because he has a problem. The truth is, I still have a responsibility to be nice, to be kind, to be loving, no matter what. I don't have to accept his problem, I don't have to put up with it, but I don't have the right to be a jerk just because I am feeling bad. And then, almost like magic, my layers began to fall. All of the work I have done to put up walls between me and my husband because his behaviors hurt me started to come down. Months and years of resentment began to melt. I feel like a huge burden has been lifted.
I know it's only been a couple of days, but I haven't had days like this in a long, long time. I haven't felt so free, so willing to let my anger just drift away, to let God take care of it instead. I am so grateful for my husband's boldness and however he was able to get to me to help me realize what I needed to hear. I truly hope this is a real turning point for me.
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I admire your humility and willingness to share this experience. You've reminded me that it's time to take a closer look at myself again and start working on a few things.
ReplyDeleteThanks also for the link to Elder Oaks' talk - that was a good one that I haven't read for awhile!
I second Happy wife! Thanks for sharing your feelings on this particular subject. I too, tend to ignore what took place. Thanks for the link, I had forgotten about this talk.
ReplyDeleteWow! How insightful. I feel like this was written for me. I feel like lately I unnecessarily punish my husband for his addiction and I don't treat him as kindly as I should. Thanks for such a good reminder.
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