Blocking It Out

I recently gave birth to our second child. A few days before having her, I felt prompted to ask my husband if he was "being good". I struggled with this feeling for a while, on the one hand feeling like I didn't want to know right before having the baby, and the other hand feeling like I needed to know before having the baby. I needed my husband to be there for me (emotionally as well as physically) while having the baby, and I was scared of what I may find out and how that would effect me/us. I prayed that I would ask him in the right way, that I wouldn't offend him, that I would be able to know the truth.

And so I asked. And he confessed. Once a week or so for the past month. Ugh. And he was so relieved that I asked him. And I felt it so easy to forgive him. And we cried and it felt good to know (ok, it sucked, but better than wondering eternally) and we could move on.

Or so I thought. The birth was great. My husband felt like a burden had been lifted, he was able to be there for me in the way that I needed him. I didn't think much about what it all meant.

Yesterday I got on his computer because mine is on it's last leg and turns off whenever it pleases. I went to sign into my hotmail account and up pops what I assume is the last person that has signed in. And I don't recognize the email. And then I remember about the secret email accounts. And then I google the user name. And I am not happy with what I find (and instantly sorry I did so). I ask my husband about it. He says that it is one of the accounts, but that he has not used it in a long time. I cry and tell him how can I know if that's the truth?

And then I cry. And cry. And cry. And can't seem to get ahold of myself. But eventually I do. And then I search the user name again. And then I find horrible things that he has written on the internet under this name. And I am angry. How is this my husband? How is this the man that I love and that is in the other room playing so sweetly with my child? How can they possibly be the same? And again I am sorry that I went looking. For many reasons, mainly that there is nothing that I find that is new/helpful/happy. It all just depresses me.

Eventually I come back into the room with my husband. He asks if I want to talk. We do. I should point out that all the stuff I found was old, stuff that had been confessed, just not in explicit detail like I managed to find. I should also point out that there was NO value in reading any of it. My husband's general confession was much better for my mental health than what I did. Because now it's stuck in my head, and makes it harder for me to move on, which is what I need to do for myself.

Anyway, we talk. And I come to realize I have stuffed the past confession under the surface to survive. That I haven't dealt with it at all. It's easy to forgive when you just pretend like it didn't happen. But that's not really forgiving. And obviously it wasn't forgotten. So here I am again. Still. It's frustrating, but I know that I need to work through it. Because I do love my husband. I do believe he can change, even if it's not as fast as I would like, or in the ways that I would do it. It's not up to me. I just have to remember the few beautiful times that the Lord has told me that it will work out. And cling to that. Because sometimes that's all I've got.

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P.S. If you leave comments please don't be sad that it takes me FOREVER to publish them. I just hardly ever remember to check the email they get sent to. And also know that I appreciate them so much!