A few nights ago after reading He Heals the Heavy Laden by Elder Oaks for FHE, my husband was telling me about some of his recent slip-ups, and after he was done I was quiet. We sat in my stewing silence for a while, then my husband dropped a bomb:
"You need to stop being angry."
!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
First instinct: rage. How on earth could he even say that to me? After all he's done. And after my husband (quite lovingly) said a few more things about how even though I certainly have the right to be angry, he pointed out how my anger is doing nothing for me except harm. I stewed some more. I already knew that I needed to figure out a better way to deal than anger. I already knew that it was affecting how I treat my children. But it's easier than being sad. Or doing the work of getting through my problems instead of ignoring them.
But then he finally said:
"I am not the only one hurting our marriage."
Ugh. He was right and I knew it. It's so easy to pretend like I am entitled to whatever behaviors I please (angry, withdrawn, sad, tempermental, etc) whenever I please just because he has a problem. The truth is, I still have a responsibility to be nice, to be kind, to be loving, no matter what. I don't have to accept his problem, I don't have to put up with it, but I don't have the right to be a jerk just because I am feeling bad. And then, almost like magic, my layers began to fall. All of the work I have done to put up walls between me and my husband because his behaviors hurt me started to come down. Months and years of resentment began to melt. I feel like a huge burden has been lifted.
I know it's only been a couple of days, but I haven't had days like this in a long, long time. I haven't felt so free, so willing to let my anger just drift away, to let God take care of it instead. I am so grateful for my husband's boldness and however he was able to get to me to help me realize what I needed to hear. I truly hope this is a real turning point for me.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Just What I Was Thinking...
Thanks to LDS Woman for the link to the church's new website. http://combatingpornography.org/cp/eng/
I was reading through some articles and came across this, which is something I have been thinking a lot lately:
"dishonesty in a relationship can be as damaging as pornography"
(from this article)
Sometimes I feel like if I was just told the truth things would be a lot easier, or at least tolerable.
I feel like I had a really hard day yesterday. The end however was perhaps promising. I was casually mentioning to my husband that I was going to work through the 12 steps myself when he said that he thought he might try going back to the meetings - if I wanted him to. This was ridiculous because he already knows (or at least I have said MANY times) that I would prefer it, even if it "takes him away from our family" one evening a week. So last night I told him that he knew I wanted him to go, but that I'm not the boss of him. He says he will start this week. I won't hold my breath, but I will hope for the best.
I was reading through some articles and came across this, which is something I have been thinking a lot lately:
"dishonesty in a relationship can be as damaging as pornography"
(from this article)
Sometimes I feel like if I was just told the truth things would be a lot easier, or at least tolerable.
I feel like I had a really hard day yesterday. The end however was perhaps promising. I was casually mentioning to my husband that I was going to work through the 12 steps myself when he said that he thought he might try going back to the meetings - if I wanted him to. This was ridiculous because he already knows (or at least I have said MANY times) that I would prefer it, even if it "takes him away from our family" one evening a week. So last night I told him that he knew I wanted him to go, but that I'm not the boss of him. He says he will start this week. I won't hold my breath, but I will hope for the best.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Maybe If I Don't Think About It...
I find that although this blog is very helpful to my own healing, I tend to forget about it. Somehow it seems that if I just ignore it (the blog, the problem, etc) it isn't real. Unfortunately that doesn't work long term, and it seems I have gotten lazy in my own attempts at healing.
Recently my cousin was at my house and somehow she and I got on the topic of pornography addiction and she went on to list many people that we both knew that were struggling with the problem. I have to say that it both helped me and hurt me. At first it made me feel better. It made me remember that I am not alone in my experience and that several AMAZING wives that I know are going through the exact same thing, and some of them for a really long time. It explained a lot of behavior that sometimes seems strange, but now seemed to fit in the context. It also made me think about how highly I thought of their husbands, what good people they are despite their problems. It gave me compassion for my own husband. But then I was sad, thinking about how widespread of a problem it is. Overall the conversation was good for me, I felt very blessed to have someone to talk about it with in person that understood.
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Several (or more?) weeks ago I in passing asked my husband how things were going. As far as I knew (had been told) it has been almost two months. He said "since the last time I told you" and I asked if he meant almost two months ago. He then told me it had been like a month, that he thought he had told me, and that he was sorry. I of course was angry. I hated being lied to. Later in the evening he said "I feel like I'm in the doghouse..." Really, you lie and then you are surprised I am upset? Ugh. Then I start to feel bad, like I should forgive him, because he says he thought he told me. I want to believe him. The next evening we are fighting (I can pretty much assume without remembering that I picked a fight because I was upset from the day before) and around bedtime he tells me that he lied the day before, that it's been happening regularly again. I am livid. And sad. And I hit a new low. I had been feeling pretty depressed before anyway (perhaps on some level I knew already?) and this just sent me over the edge. I sat in the shower crying until the water was to cold to handle. Then I just laid in bed crying not being able to sleep. My husband was sleeping on the floor of the office because he wanted to give me some space. I think really he couldn't handle the mess I was. The only thing that gave me any hope at all was my two wonderful small children. I thought of them and their love for me and how much I loved them and knew that I had to snap out of it.
And now time has passed. And I don't know "how things are going". I just assume badly so I won't be hurt. I know that's not right, but it's where I'm at right now. It doesn't hurt too much right now because I just don't think about it. That's not true, I do think about it several times each day, but I do my best to not dwell on it, to distract myself in any way I can. Again, it's not the best, but it's where I'm at, getting by. I know I need to work on ME getting better whether or not HE does. For my own sake.
Recently my cousin was at my house and somehow she and I got on the topic of pornography addiction and she went on to list many people that we both knew that were struggling with the problem. I have to say that it both helped me and hurt me. At first it made me feel better. It made me remember that I am not alone in my experience and that several AMAZING wives that I know are going through the exact same thing, and some of them for a really long time. It explained a lot of behavior that sometimes seems strange, but now seemed to fit in the context. It also made me think about how highly I thought of their husbands, what good people they are despite their problems. It gave me compassion for my own husband. But then I was sad, thinking about how widespread of a problem it is. Overall the conversation was good for me, I felt very blessed to have someone to talk about it with in person that understood.
------------------------------------
Several (or more?) weeks ago I in passing asked my husband how things were going. As far as I knew (had been told) it has been almost two months. He said "since the last time I told you" and I asked if he meant almost two months ago. He then told me it had been like a month, that he thought he had told me, and that he was sorry. I of course was angry. I hated being lied to. Later in the evening he said "I feel like I'm in the doghouse..." Really, you lie and then you are surprised I am upset? Ugh. Then I start to feel bad, like I should forgive him, because he says he thought he told me. I want to believe him. The next evening we are fighting (I can pretty much assume without remembering that I picked a fight because I was upset from the day before) and around bedtime he tells me that he lied the day before, that it's been happening regularly again. I am livid. And sad. And I hit a new low. I had been feeling pretty depressed before anyway (perhaps on some level I knew already?) and this just sent me over the edge. I sat in the shower crying until the water was to cold to handle. Then I just laid in bed crying not being able to sleep. My husband was sleeping on the floor of the office because he wanted to give me some space. I think really he couldn't handle the mess I was. The only thing that gave me any hope at all was my two wonderful small children. I thought of them and their love for me and how much I loved them and knew that I had to snap out of it.
And now time has passed. And I don't know "how things are going". I just assume badly so I won't be hurt. I know that's not right, but it's where I'm at right now. It doesn't hurt too much right now because I just don't think about it. That's not true, I do think about it several times each day, but I do my best to not dwell on it, to distract myself in any way I can. Again, it's not the best, but it's where I'm at, getting by. I know I need to work on ME getting better whether or not HE does. For my own sake.
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