Pulling Away

Things are going good. At least, I have been told they are, and I believe it. What's up with me then? If things are going the right direction, then shouldn't I be more loving towards my husband and happier? Don't get me wrong, it's not the happiness factor I am concerned with, rather my own noticing of the distance I seem to be putting between myself and my husband emotionally. Perhaps it's because I am scared of getting hurt again. That I'm tired of being vulnerable and feeling like a fool again. That I'm tired of broken promises and feeling so sad. Whatever the reason, it's not good.

As I have probably said before, a while back I assumed that once my husband's problem was fixed, mine would be too. If only it worked like that! Of course, I suppose I do appreciate that during bad times I can still have peace, but for the moment I feel out of balance and wish that my happiness was directly tied to his "being good". At least for the times he was "being good".

I recognize this is a me problem. But that's what this blog is for. To help me figure out how to deal with all of the problems that had some beginning in my husband's problem.

Anyway, I think by writing this down it helps me get some perspective. It helps me admit that I am the one being distant, and to acknowledge that I can change that. It helps me remember that I am committed to my husband, our marriage, and my family, and that that sometimes means working a lot harder (emotionally even) than I want.

Forgiveness & Freedom

I came across this quote the other day:

"Other people will say 'I forgive you' but what they really mean is, 'I don't want to talk about this. I can't deal with this. I'm turning you off.' And so the 3 magic words come out and form a wall that shuts out their spouse. True, they're not angry, but that's because they've shut down all emotion and refuse to reconnect."

Ugh, how often do I do this? So unhealthy, but it seems so much easier than dealing with the pain and work of forgiving. Seems being the key word, since it is always harmful in the long run (and short term too).

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Changing topics, I want to be free. I want to be free from feeling chained to my husband's addiction. Of course I want him to stop, but that's not really in my control. And I'm tired of feeling like I can feel good if things have been good, and feeling bad when things have been going bad. And now, as I put pieces of the last deceptions together, it seems that I'm always being lied to and things are never going good. I am of course being overly dramatic (it's my way!) and that's not true, but I also don't want to sit around thinking about "did it happen today or not?" because even when I ask, it seems that I'm not always given the truth and then when I eventually find out the truth (I always seem to eventually...) it sucks that much more. So part of me wants to find this freedom by just assuming it's happening and living life as if it is. Or rather living life knowing that it is likely going on secretly and make my decisions in spite of that, instead of being afraid, or distrustful, etc. Of course, that is then inherently distrustful, but I am kind of at a point where I wonder if that is better for my sanity. Anyway, this is kind of rambly, but the bottom line is that I want to not be held back because of something that is A. not my fault B. not something I am doing wrong. I realize that being married to my husband and choosing to stay with him automatically makes me effected by his behaviors/decisions but I don't want to be a slave to that. So, that's enough ramblings for now.

Mind Rut

My mind seems to keep playing a continuous loop of the things I found the other day. It's not like there was anything I didn't know, it just makes it more real. I suppose I should take the opportunity to work hard at forgiving, but I am immature and don't want to.

I wonder how long I will continue to have to deal with this dual life of sorts. Ugh, I hate it.

Blocking It Out

I recently gave birth to our second child. A few days before having her, I felt prompted to ask my husband if he was "being good". I struggled with this feeling for a while, on the one hand feeling like I didn't want to know right before having the baby, and the other hand feeling like I needed to know before having the baby. I needed my husband to be there for me (emotionally as well as physically) while having the baby, and I was scared of what I may find out and how that would effect me/us. I prayed that I would ask him in the right way, that I wouldn't offend him, that I would be able to know the truth.

And so I asked. And he confessed. Once a week or so for the past month. Ugh. And he was so relieved that I asked him. And I felt it so easy to forgive him. And we cried and it felt good to know (ok, it sucked, but better than wondering eternally) and we could move on.

Or so I thought. The birth was great. My husband felt like a burden had been lifted, he was able to be there for me in the way that I needed him. I didn't think much about what it all meant.

Yesterday I got on his computer because mine is on it's last leg and turns off whenever it pleases. I went to sign into my hotmail account and up pops what I assume is the last person that has signed in. And I don't recognize the email. And then I remember about the secret email accounts. And then I google the user name. And I am not happy with what I find (and instantly sorry I did so). I ask my husband about it. He says that it is one of the accounts, but that he has not used it in a long time. I cry and tell him how can I know if that's the truth?

And then I cry. And cry. And cry. And can't seem to get ahold of myself. But eventually I do. And then I search the user name again. And then I find horrible things that he has written on the internet under this name. And I am angry. How is this my husband? How is this the man that I love and that is in the other room playing so sweetly with my child? How can they possibly be the same? And again I am sorry that I went looking. For many reasons, mainly that there is nothing that I find that is new/helpful/happy. It all just depresses me.

Eventually I come back into the room with my husband. He asks if I want to talk. We do. I should point out that all the stuff I found was old, stuff that had been confessed, just not in explicit detail like I managed to find. I should also point out that there was NO value in reading any of it. My husband's general confession was much better for my mental health than what I did. Because now it's stuck in my head, and makes it harder for me to move on, which is what I need to do for myself.

Anyway, we talk. And I come to realize I have stuffed the past confession under the surface to survive. That I haven't dealt with it at all. It's easy to forgive when you just pretend like it didn't happen. But that's not really forgiving. And obviously it wasn't forgotten. So here I am again. Still. It's frustrating, but I know that I need to work through it. Because I do love my husband. I do believe he can change, even if it's not as fast as I would like, or in the ways that I would do it. It's not up to me. I just have to remember the few beautiful times that the Lord has told me that it will work out. And cling to that. Because sometimes that's all I've got.

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P.S. If you leave comments please don't be sad that it takes me FOREVER to publish them. I just hardly ever remember to check the email they get sent to. And also know that I appreciate them so much!

When???

Will I ever stop worrying?
Will I ever let go of the big ball of anger and fear inside?
Will I ever trust my husband fully again?
Will I ever go at least a day without worrying?

It seems like these things should get better in time, right? And sometimes I feel like they are getting better. And other times, not so much. On the one hand I say: I have been lied to enough to 'deserve' to feel this way. On the other: Since I do believe it will someday cease to be a problem (at least one that is being acted upon, I think it quite possibly could always be a temptation for my husband) I should at some point feel better and repair much of what was damaged.

I get frustrated with myself, because I find I'm lazy and don't like to do the mental processing it takes to heal. It's hard work, but when I think about the amount of time things have been going well, I owe it to myself and my husband to do it. There is no sense in punishing him (in my own mind if nothing else) if he isn't doing anything wrong. I understand there is the build up of all the other times/the past, but at some point, I've got to let it all go.

Upon writing this, the thought comes to me that the only real way to do this is through God. And for whatever reason, it is so hard to me to let Him take things for me. Perhaps it's because my relationship with Him is not where it should be. I pray, I read my scriptures, I go to church, but my actual relationship is really lacking. It's easy to do 'things' and not so easy to have a sincere relationship. So I guess I just answered my own question.

Nervous

It's been a while now. I mean, a while for us. And I am happy about that. But I also find that I am nervous. I say it "if/when" something happens again. I like to say "if" because I don't like assuming that it will always happen again, but I find that puts a lot of pressure on my husband, making it harder not to lie if something happens. But "when" implies it must/will happen again, which I believe that at some point, it won't. I haven't lost the hope (or rather, have regained the hope) that one day we will all be free of this. Unfortunately no one has presented me with the timeline of exactly when this will magically occur.

So, I'm happy. It's been a while. Sometimes I have to remind myself that one week is better than no weeks, and one month is better than a week, and so on. I hold on to the hope that someday I may not have to worry about this much at all. I know this will always be a temptation for my husband. I just hope that he gains the long-term control we all want. Oh, and if he could do it on the sooner side... :)

Another Low?!

It's been a bit since I've posted, but life seems to get in the way sometimes. About three or so weeks ago we hit a new low. We use a monitoring program called Covenant Eyes which sends an "accountability report" to a partner about what websites have been visited by an individual. We've used it for years now, and it has been somewhat helpful. My husband says that it often stops him from doing things he doesn't want to do, for fear of being caught, but he has also been open about the fact that he knows how to get around it using some tricks that take a bit of time to employ. So every couple of days I get a report telling me all the websites he's been to, but mostly highlighting the high scoring sites that are likely to be "inappropriate". So about three weeks ago I was reviewing a report, and normally there are a couple of false positives, but I find I always have to check them to make sure. I clicked on one, not expecting to find anything awful, but instead it opened up to a page that I surely did NOT want to see. Closing it quickly I didn't even know what to do. I was SO mad, because it was from the day before, a day my husband had told me he was "good".

He was in the bathroom at the time, and I didn't want to even talk to him, so I wrote him a note that simply said "you told me you didn't." After he came out he said he was sorry, but I didn't want to talk at all. Several minutes went by, I fed the baby, and eventually we talked a bit. Somehow I managed to ask him some questions which led him to confess something else he had done that I hadn't even considered a real threat. It was above and beyond things he had already done, and I felt a new level of safety had been shattered. How stupid of me to think that a natural progression of this problem wasn't a possibility...

He was working from home that day, and after some time away from him I decided I had some demands. I have found in the past that demands do not work, but for whatever reason I felt like it was the right thing to do. I told him that I wanted him to see the bishop, and that I wanted some form of counseling. His entire attitude that morning was different. And he gladly consented to both of those. He has now been meeting with the bishop a bit, which gives me peace of mind to know that I can go see the bishop when I need to without having to "tattle".

We weren't sure what kind of counseling to do, and although the bishop gave him a referral to LDS Family Services I have found an online program that we started in the meantime. It is Recovery Nation and we have been doing it twice a week for about an hour each time, depending on the length of the lesson. So far it seems to be a good resource, with the exception of the point that is repeated or implied over and over... that you don't need a "Higher Power". Both my husband and I agree that any sort of recovery is NOT possible without God's help, and most especially the Atonement. We are doing the couple's healing workshop, but I like that it offers the option to do it individually instead/as well. Meaning a wife could do the partner's workshop if her husband was not interested in participating. Or someone trying to recover could do it without their wife. That is what initially drew me to the program in fact, that it was something I could do to promote my own healing, no matter what my husband was willing to do.

I have been surprised that some of the activities have been very difficult for me. Hard to examine my own shortcomings and change my communication styles in a healthy way. Which is funny when you put all of the blame on "my husband's problem" when really there is A LOT more going on than just that. And some of the activities are really sweet. Right now we are doing one where we have to hide little notes for each other and it is a really good intimacy builder. Something we used to do while dating, but after being married for a bit, having a child, and etc. etc. it just falls by the wayside. It's a good reminder to keep the love alive.

I feel like I have been amazingly not emotionally effected by the "new low". I wonder if it is because I haven't processed it, or that I have come to a new level of maturity and understanding. Don't get me wrong, it hurt, and shook my foundation, but I also feel like I am able to take a step back and see it for what it is, a natural progression of an existing problem. It's not like he set out to hurt me worse, or to break my trust even more. It's partially a problem of being in an altered mind state and not thinking clearly. I'm not excusing it on any level, but when I am able to step back and see WHY things progress the way they do (meaning my husband chooses to not get away from a dangerous situation because of years of never doing so) I can realize that it is NOT about me.

Anyway, I feel like we have made progress over the last 3 weeks. I feel fearful in thinking "this could be it" but I also do believe that someday it WILL be it. That someday we as a couple and family will be free of this. I do believe it will always be there, that it will always be a temptation for my husband, but I also believe he will be able to overcome it and make the choices to be fully in control of himself.