The start of it all

Sometimes I wonder what I would have done if I was blind sighted by all of this after being married.

Several months after my husband and I started dating I went to his house and while he was in the other room I used his computer. I wanted to go back to a page I had open before and went up to the address bar thinking it would be quickest. What I didn't expect to see was the sites that showed up before mine. I closed the browser and walked out, telling my then boyfriend that I was going home. He didn't say anything, didn't try to stop me. He knew.

I went home and cried. And cried. And threw things. And listened to angry music. And cried. I didn't understand at all, because he seemed to be such a good wonderful man. I was so sad it was over. And then I got down on my knees and told God how mad I was. And then God told me something strange. He told me to go back to my boyfriend's house. What?

I called my boyfriend and asked him if I could come back over to talk. He was so relieved I called him back, but yet I hadn't even heard his call or listened to his message. I went back and we sat on the floor in the hall and cried together. And then we prayed. And then he called the bishop. He told me then something I will never forget. He told me that even if we didn't end up together he would always love me for the gift I gave him that day. The gift of coming back.

We dated for almost two more years off and on. We went up and down, based on his success and my ability to deal with it all. He met with the bishop a lot, so did I, he went to counseling, and after a while managed a lengthy period of "recovery".

We eventually got married in the temple in 2007, which felt like an amazing victory to both of us.

We got married in June, and by August the pornography and masturbation had started again. I think he told me again around September. I was more than devastated, obviously. At the same time I was angry at myself, what had I done? I CHOSE to marry this man! I knew the risks! I felt I didn't have the same shock level as someone who hadn't known before getting married, but I don't know that it hurt any less. (Can you really compare people's emotional pain?)

That was about two years ago. Less than two months after getting married my husband was unfaithful to me. And the cycle continues. Sometimes he goes for a month or two, sometimes only a week or so. And that's where we're at now.