Nervous

It's been a while now. I mean, a while for us. And I am happy about that. But I also find that I am nervous. I say it "if/when" something happens again. I like to say "if" because I don't like assuming that it will always happen again, but I find that puts a lot of pressure on my husband, making it harder not to lie if something happens. But "when" implies it must/will happen again, which I believe that at some point, it won't. I haven't lost the hope (or rather, have regained the hope) that one day we will all be free of this. Unfortunately no one has presented me with the timeline of exactly when this will magically occur.

So, I'm happy. It's been a while. Sometimes I have to remind myself that one week is better than no weeks, and one month is better than a week, and so on. I hold on to the hope that someday I may not have to worry about this much at all. I know this will always be a temptation for my husband. I just hope that he gains the long-term control we all want. Oh, and if he could do it on the sooner side... :)

Another Low?!

It's been a bit since I've posted, but life seems to get in the way sometimes. About three or so weeks ago we hit a new low. We use a monitoring program called Covenant Eyes which sends an "accountability report" to a partner about what websites have been visited by an individual. We've used it for years now, and it has been somewhat helpful. My husband says that it often stops him from doing things he doesn't want to do, for fear of being caught, but he has also been open about the fact that he knows how to get around it using some tricks that take a bit of time to employ. So every couple of days I get a report telling me all the websites he's been to, but mostly highlighting the high scoring sites that are likely to be "inappropriate". So about three weeks ago I was reviewing a report, and normally there are a couple of false positives, but I find I always have to check them to make sure. I clicked on one, not expecting to find anything awful, but instead it opened up to a page that I surely did NOT want to see. Closing it quickly I didn't even know what to do. I was SO mad, because it was from the day before, a day my husband had told me he was "good".

He was in the bathroom at the time, and I didn't want to even talk to him, so I wrote him a note that simply said "you told me you didn't." After he came out he said he was sorry, but I didn't want to talk at all. Several minutes went by, I fed the baby, and eventually we talked a bit. Somehow I managed to ask him some questions which led him to confess something else he had done that I hadn't even considered a real threat. It was above and beyond things he had already done, and I felt a new level of safety had been shattered. How stupid of me to think that a natural progression of this problem wasn't a possibility...

He was working from home that day, and after some time away from him I decided I had some demands. I have found in the past that demands do not work, but for whatever reason I felt like it was the right thing to do. I told him that I wanted him to see the bishop, and that I wanted some form of counseling. His entire attitude that morning was different. And he gladly consented to both of those. He has now been meeting with the bishop a bit, which gives me peace of mind to know that I can go see the bishop when I need to without having to "tattle".

We weren't sure what kind of counseling to do, and although the bishop gave him a referral to LDS Family Services I have found an online program that we started in the meantime. It is Recovery Nation and we have been doing it twice a week for about an hour each time, depending on the length of the lesson. So far it seems to be a good resource, with the exception of the point that is repeated or implied over and over... that you don't need a "Higher Power". Both my husband and I agree that any sort of recovery is NOT possible without God's help, and most especially the Atonement. We are doing the couple's healing workshop, but I like that it offers the option to do it individually instead/as well. Meaning a wife could do the partner's workshop if her husband was not interested in participating. Or someone trying to recover could do it without their wife. That is what initially drew me to the program in fact, that it was something I could do to promote my own healing, no matter what my husband was willing to do.

I have been surprised that some of the activities have been very difficult for me. Hard to examine my own shortcomings and change my communication styles in a healthy way. Which is funny when you put all of the blame on "my husband's problem" when really there is A LOT more going on than just that. And some of the activities are really sweet. Right now we are doing one where we have to hide little notes for each other and it is a really good intimacy builder. Something we used to do while dating, but after being married for a bit, having a child, and etc. etc. it just falls by the wayside. It's a good reminder to keep the love alive.

I feel like I have been amazingly not emotionally effected by the "new low". I wonder if it is because I haven't processed it, or that I have come to a new level of maturity and understanding. Don't get me wrong, it hurt, and shook my foundation, but I also feel like I am able to take a step back and see it for what it is, a natural progression of an existing problem. It's not like he set out to hurt me worse, or to break my trust even more. It's partially a problem of being in an altered mind state and not thinking clearly. I'm not excusing it on any level, but when I am able to step back and see WHY things progress the way they do (meaning my husband chooses to not get away from a dangerous situation because of years of never doing so) I can realize that it is NOT about me.

Anyway, I feel like we have made progress over the last 3 weeks. I feel fearful in thinking "this could be it" but I also do believe that someday it WILL be it. That someday we as a couple and family will be free of this. I do believe it will always be there, that it will always be a temptation for my husband, but I also believe he will be able to overcome it and make the choices to be fully in control of himself.

Things I am grateful for in all this

That my husband admits there is a problem.

The guidance of the spirit, helping all (or enough) things come to light so I don't have to live a lie.

Knowing that it can get better, and hoping that it will.

Learning to forgive, for real.

The small glimpses I sometimes get into how God loves us and how much potential we have.

Having the opportunity to examine my own shortcomings.

The start of it all

Sometimes I wonder what I would have done if I was blind sighted by all of this after being married.

Several months after my husband and I started dating I went to his house and while he was in the other room I used his computer. I wanted to go back to a page I had open before and went up to the address bar thinking it would be quickest. What I didn't expect to see was the sites that showed up before mine. I closed the browser and walked out, telling my then boyfriend that I was going home. He didn't say anything, didn't try to stop me. He knew.

I went home and cried. And cried. And threw things. And listened to angry music. And cried. I didn't understand at all, because he seemed to be such a good wonderful man. I was so sad it was over. And then I got down on my knees and told God how mad I was. And then God told me something strange. He told me to go back to my boyfriend's house. What?

I called my boyfriend and asked him if I could come back over to talk. He was so relieved I called him back, but yet I hadn't even heard his call or listened to his message. I went back and we sat on the floor in the hall and cried together. And then we prayed. And then he called the bishop. He told me then something I will never forget. He told me that even if we didn't end up together he would always love me for the gift I gave him that day. The gift of coming back.

We dated for almost two more years off and on. We went up and down, based on his success and my ability to deal with it all. He met with the bishop a lot, so did I, he went to counseling, and after a while managed a lengthy period of "recovery".

We eventually got married in the temple in 2007, which felt like an amazing victory to both of us.

We got married in June, and by August the pornography and masturbation had started again. I think he told me again around September. I was more than devastated, obviously. At the same time I was angry at myself, what had I done? I CHOSE to marry this man! I knew the risks! I felt I didn't have the same shock level as someone who hadn't known before getting married, but I don't know that it hurt any less. (Can you really compare people's emotional pain?)

That was about two years ago. Less than two months after getting married my husband was unfaithful to me. And the cycle continues. Sometimes he goes for a month or two, sometimes only a week or so. And that's where we're at now.

Dwelling on the past

Today is one of those days where I can't stop thinking about the past. All the times it's happened. All the times it's happened and I didn't know about it. What is there that I don't know? I have to work so hard to remind myself that I have to let it go. Not for my husband, but for me. Sure it's important to forgive him and move on, especially when he is sorry/asks for forgiveness. But the more I dwell on it, the crazier it makes me. And I've decided I want peace.

So, once again it's time to do the mental work of letting it go. I'm sure I'll have to do it again and again for a long time until I am free.

Helpful to remember...

I found this and it made me feel a little bit better. It's so easy to take everything SO personal. And hard but important to separate it.

"However insulted you may feel when you learn that your lover apparently prefers pictures of god-knows-what to YOU, remember that you are dealing with an addict. If your mate were an alcoholic and you served him/her a hand-squeezed lemonade made with tender loving care, and he/she sneaked a vodka instead, you would understand what was going on. The difference with porn is that it feels like competition.

Truth be told, your partner would prefer to find the images he/she is hooked on totally uninteresting. Unfortunately, the primitive part of his/her brain has temporarily been hijacked. Your compassion and correct nourishment can be a major factor in helping your mate regain control."

(found here, a good resource)

The beginning

I am a 27-year-old LDS woman, married 2 years, have one kid and another on the way.

And I have a husband with an addiction to pornography.

I often finding myself wishing for a better outlet to express my struggles, but can't ever seem to find one. My latest desire is to start a group for wives, but as time hasn't allowed for that yet, this is what I'm trying in the meantime.

I hope this blog helps someone, even if it's just me. If you are here and struggling, please know that you are not alone. There's others of us out there, and we understand.

What this blog is:

A moderately detailed account of the challenges I face as my husband struggles to beat his addiction to pornography and masturbation. I intend to be candid about my feelings, my relationship with God, my husband, and to hopefully keep track of our failures along with our successes.

What this blog is not:

A rant against my husband. Although it is horribly painful, frustrating, and often makes me angry (and I hope to be able to express those feelings freely!) I don't feel the need to punish him or say awful things about him. I just want healing for myself and our family.